Spring has not been in our favor. Several seizures, another diagnosis, one I expected but was not ready for. I've known it from the beginning, but it hit me like a brick wall. I think it was reality, reality slapped me right across the face. Then the little biatch sent me into a tail spin. Psychologist's diagnosis? Your 19+ daughter is mentally handicapped. Ya, no shit, reality is a bitch.
I don't think I've ever felt so alone, I don't know why THAT diagnosis made a difference but it did. Due to a really biggy (seizure) I've spent the last few weeks checking her breathing, watching her sleep, driving her nuts with "are you ok?", monitoring meds, and because of some other issues that came up I have confiscated her phone. Boy, that's another book! I keep mulling around in my head "Would oils work? Can they help? They can't hurt, right? What am I feeding her, can I fix that? What about exercise?" I think I'm driving myself crazy. Never fear, it's not far! The journey could be very short! I think I experienced my first bout of anxiety over the weekend, maybe not the first but definitely the first time brought on by something other than a shitty marriage. (Let's not go down that path) Of course I turned to Pinterest, they have everything right? "What is anxiety?"..."What is a panic attack?". Well, thank GOD for Pinterest, they told me to breathe! Ok, I'm breathing, now what? I spent all weekend trying to escape to my yard, dig in the dirt, and smell the new grass. Mother's Day was a disaster. Thank goodness my 15 year old son could see my struggle, lots of hugs made it all easier, and I took time to pull weeds. Don't laugh, it worked. I grabbed the lavender and turned on the diffuser, I took time for myself and I felt a little better. I woke her up this morning, she has to ride with me to work today. I went to the kitchen for my coffee and turned around right into a bear hug. I know that my struggles are my own, acceptance will sink in, and the bear hugs remind me to pick myself up and keep on moving. I can do this, I can do this.
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Cynthia"Don't put an age limit Archives
July 2018
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